3 Ways for Parents and Teachers to Stop Comparing Their Child to Peers
A Guide on Leaving Meetings Empowered and Feeling Positive
By: Janelle Vargo, M.Ed.
First of all, stopping parents and guardians from worrying about how their child measures up to others is easier said than done. When a guardian enters an evaluation meeting, a guardian-teacher conference, or an annual review, one of the first things a teacher or psychologist will do is compare their child to same-aged peers. This is simply because it is part of the job. This is part of understanding where the child is holistically year-to-year and how their progress from the services they are a part of stacks up. This is to the advantage of a parent, in that you can be sure the school and teachers have some checks and balances ensuring that students are identified correctly and that adequate progress is being made in regard to these required area-specific comparisons.
Here’s where it gets tricky: keeping the comparisons in their “box” of progress monitoring and testing where they belong. Teachers and parents both need to shift focus after these meetings and focus on positive qualities and progress after this time.
Here are a few tips that have helped me as I have consulted teachers and parents throughout the years:
1. Make a habit of verbalizing the child’s strengths.
We have to talk about weaknesses too much. Those things are thought about, talked about, written, printed, and discussed in meetings. Let’s do the same thing with strengths! If there aren’t a lot of strengths listed or required in your meetings, you’ll have to do this part on your own! Use phrases such as:
“I’m proud of...”
“You should be proud of...”
“You’ve grown so much in...”
“Do you remember when you got —— of these kind of problems right? Now you’re getting _____! That’s amazing!”
“You are so talented in...”
“I love the way you showed kindness when...”
2. Keep the positive feedback specific with your child, yourself, and other adults you talk to.
“Positive puke” is when adults just spew positive words in order to make others, especially children, feel good. Don’t just say “good job.” Good job at what? What was the specific thing that the child did that you are proud of? How much better did they get? What was something they used to do that they improved at? It’s likely that the child made a huge effort to grow, change a habit, or replace a habit. They are looking for your specific response!
3. Make the positive response to their personal achievements just as big as your negative response would be.
This is a big one. If you would normally raise your voice and put your child in time-out for hitting or biting another child, what should you do if you see that they wanted a toy, but shared nicely or waited their turn instead of hitting or biting? Say “good job?” No way, that’s not enough! Raise your voice by cheering, clapping, crying with joy! This is IT! This is what you’ve been working for! Give them a “time-in” their favorite activity, like going to the playground, playing ball outside, or jumping in rain puddles! Likewise, make your adult interactions just as big for these positive improvements. If you’d normally ask for advice for the hitting or biting, or complain to a friend or on social media, offer some advice to your social media world about what worked for you and take a minute to brag!
You’ll be surprised how these simple alterations in your responses and conversations will change your outlook, as well as your child’s, on their progress! These tips work for teachers, parents, and kids alike.
Janelle Vargo spent over a decade as an Intervention Specialist at a Title I school. She is currently the Education Director of Wonder Media.